The Bat clan goes to the Waffle House
by Mark Roper
Summary: Dick takes the bat crew to the last place they ever expected to eat.


"We can go anywhere you want to eat. This is a celebration, so you decide Dick," Bruce said.  
  
"Anywhere?" Dick asked before an evil smile crept to his lips. "Take the next left."  
  
Voices of dissension rose within the SUV. "You can't be serious!"  
  
"Oh yes I am. That's right."  
  
The Bat clan goes to the Waffle House  
  
In the doorway entering the Waffle House stood Dick Grayson. Joining him was Tim Drake, Bruce Wayne, Cassandra Cain, Barbara Gordon, and Alfred Pennyworth. Dick's face had a smile as he spotted a booth in the corner. He bandied over and allowed Alfred to sit before he bounced in beside him. Bruce and Cassandra sat in front of them and Barbara wheeled herself to the end. Tim sat at the little bar beside them, smiling.  
  
"Master Dick, I implore you. Please tell us we shan't be eating in a place such as this," Alfred spoke.  
  
"Sorry Alfie, the big man said anywhere I want. You need to loosen your tie every once in a while."  
  
"Perish the thought, young sir."  
  
Barbara spoke next, "This place will kill us. I can already feel my arteries hardening just from smelling the grease."  
  
Cassandra was confused. They told her this was the Waffle House but she saw that the building was made out of bricks. Where were the waffles?  
  
Bruce sat silently. He refused to look at the menu.  
  
Marge the Waffle House waitress came to the table and laid out napkins and silverware. "What can I get y'all to drink?"  
  
Dick and Tim had Dr. Pepper, Barbara had black coffee, Alfred ordered tea, and Bruce and Cassandra had ice water with lemon.  
  
"Y'all know what ya want yet?"  
  
Dick ordered first, "I'll have chopped steak and eggs. Chopped steak cooked medium, eggs scrambled with cheese. I want my hashbrowns doubled. Oh yeah, I also want a bowl of grits"  
  
"What is grits?" Cassandra asked.  
  
"Grits are made from corn. You add salt and butter. They are delicious," Dick answered.  
  
Alfred and Barbara had a look of horror. Grits? Yuck.  
  
Alfred ordered eggs over easy with a side of ham. Barbara ordered a salad. The waitress looked to Cassandra, "What do you want sweetie?"  
  
"Me want grits."  
  
Bruce responded quickly, "No, have a waffle."  
  
"Me have grits."  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes. Me have grits."  
  
Bruce finally gave in with a sigh. With the futility of the situation, it was obvious to him that this food would hamper everyone's patrol so, reluctantly he gave in. He ordered his food next. "I will have a ham and cheese omelet, with an order of bacon. Make my hashbrowns scattered, smothered, covered, and chunked," he ordered without looking at the menu. It was at that moment he discovered his mistake.  
  
"Hah! I knew it. You have eaten here before. Wally is going to get a kick out of this," Dick exclaimed.  
  
Knowing that Wally West a.k.a. The Flash would tell everyone in the Justice League, Batman emerged through Bruce Wayne's mask. With the cold, hard look that would scare any grown man and a small hint of 'the voice', Bruce spoke, "Wally is not going to be told of this. In fact, no one is going to find out, are they?"  
  
Swallowing hard, Dick answered, "Um. Wally who?"  
  
Tim ordered his patty melt plate. Bruce stared Dick down. Cassandra was still confused because she saw no waffles. Alfred sighed as he took his napkin and began to polish everyone's silverware. Barbara was tapping on her Palm Pilot.  
  
"Yo, Timmy. Let's hit the jukebox," Dick said as the last tear jerking country song finished playing.  
  
"Sure bro," Tim responded as he jumped up to join him.  
  
The pair made their way to the jukebox. They perused the song list until Dick got an idea. He put in three dollars. He looked over and noticed their food was being served. He started pushing buttons to select his choice.  
  
"You're not doing what I think you are doing are you?" Tim asked.  
  
"Yep," Dick said with an evil grin.  
  
"Dude, they are going to kill you. My next training session is going to be hell because I am over here with you. You know guilt by association. Aw man."  
  
"Relax Tim. It won't be that bad."  
  
They hurried back to their seats as the jukebox began to play. Through the speaker system, The Waffle House theme song began to play. Barbara looked up from her Palm Pilot, Cassandra stopped trying to find waffles, Bruce had the look of murder in his eyes, and Alfred started eating his dinner. Dick had a grin on his face and Tim swiftly spun around in his seat to face his dinner. He used every ounce of willpower and bat discipline to not laugh out loud.  
  
No one spoke as they began eating. After the Waffle House theme song finished, there was a pause before the next song began to play. The Waffle House theme song. Dick was openly laughing by this point, Tim was choking on his hashbrowns with a snort, Barbara gave Dick a look to tell him he would not be 'getting lucky' for quite some time, Bruce would have disintegrated Dick had he only possessed heat vision, Cassandra was preoccupied with her grits, and Alfred silently ate his dinner. The cook began swearing out loud while he flipped some bacon on the grill. "If I have to hear that #$%#$%ing song one more $%#%%%ing time."  
  
Over the course of the meal the Waffle House theme song played several more times. The cook was about to have a stroke. Groans were being heard openly throughout the building. Everyone was giving Dick the look of death, everyone but Alfred, who quietly sipped his tea.  
  
Finally the meal was finished and the jukebox had finally gone through the Waffle House theme song, dispelling it from the queue. Bruce excused himself to the bathroom. Dick jumped up and pulled some dollar bills from his pocket and ran over to the jukebox. The entire building became disturbingly quiet as Dick moved his dollar bill toward the bill intake. Suddenly a small hand reached out and grabbed Dick by the wrist, flipping him through the air and landing on his backside. He looked up to see Cassandra Cain bending over, pulling him up by the shirt, getting in his face and saying, "Me no hurt you because me like grits. You play song, I hurt you bad."  
  
Everyone in Waffle House cheered before breathing a sigh of relief. Bruce having witnessed the exchange between Cassandra and Dick walked over to the cashier and handed her five hundred dollars. "Please allow me to pay for everyone's meal tonight since they endured torture from my son," Bruce said as he grabbed Dick by the ear and led him out of the building. When the two were alone he said to Dick, "You are going to pay dearly for that one chum."  
  
"Ah Bruce, you don't have a sense of humor."  
  
"I wasn't talking about me. When I did that to Alfred with the Waffle House crew sings a Merry Christmas, he fed me cold oatmeal for a month."  
  
"Oh crap," Dick said.  
  
"That's exactly right," Bruce said with a satisfied smile.  
  
The rest of the Bat crew exited from the Waffle House. Dick looked in fear towards the group before his eyes met with Alfred's.  
  
"Master Dick, I do believe I shall have to give you a lesson in Waffle House etiquette," Alfred said.  
  
For the first time that night, Dick Grayson was afraid, very afraid. 


End file.
